Boston Hassle + The Lankville Daily News introduce Neil Cuppy.
The Electronics Cranny: Watcher of the Signals
by Neil Cuppy
Many of the Electronics Cranny’s fifty-seven radio station towers connecting Eastern Lankville to Western Lankville stand on hills, mountains, and little small mounds far away from towns. Day after day, the apparatus does its duty; no man need be there to stare at it. But when trouble threatens, an alarm system, developed especially by this author, alerts a testman (generally a big neckless man in a pantsuit) in a town perhaps hundreds of miles away.
“A bell rings,” explained Central Lankville Rural Area Testman Cloff Joffrey. Joffrey then stared at us for some time as though he felt no further explanation was necessary. Finally, at our prompting, he continued. “A bell rings and then I go see what is wrong. There’s a pattern of lights and I look at them lights and I can see what’s wrong.” Joffrey then became distracted by a lewd pamphlet and the interview was ended prematurely.
The rural testman’s explanation is not off, however. Indeed, a pattern of lights at the tower site goes far in illuminating the problem at hand. Most commonly, the problem is a power interruption or an overheated tube. Other times, it can be a blown fuse, the sudden introduction of “The Summoning,” or a simple drop in pressure of dry air. The testman will put the system through a vigorous series of tests to return it to working condition.
We are currently working on a remote control system, which will enable The Electronics Cranny to repair systems from afar, thereby eliminating poky, slow-witted, doltish testman such as Cloff Joffrey. “We feel that this is three to four years off,” noted EC President J.H. Bangley.
“It’s something that we’re constantly working on in the laboratories, something that I have a personal interest in as well. I often find myself staying quite late into the evening, long after everyone else has gone. The reason for this, I suppose, is that my wife never has intercourse with me and so I figure, what the hell go home for? There’s also a decent enough submarine shop down the street. Makes a good ham sandwich and you have to find some comfort in life, some little pleasure, particularly when your wife never does anything at all and you can’t even find a good book to read or a program on TV. It’s a cold bed. A cold, cold bed fellows.” Bangley continued to natter on incessantly and we felt it best to terminate the interview.
Electronics Cranny Industries is hoping for a fully automated system by the end of the decade. In addition, this new system should reduce maintenance costs and increase reliability. It will be an all-seeing “Watcher of the Signals.”